The Self as Scholar: On Memoir

This blog is, at its core, a love letter to queer theory through the lens of autobiography.

If academia was a more stable and remunerative career path, I absolutely would have gone into gender and sexuality studies. A paper I wrote in college on asexual BDSM practitioners, based on interviews I conducted with self-identified asexual kinksters after hanging around in dungeons and reading blog posts online, is published in a relatively prestigious academic journal. I am more proud of that than of almost anything else I've ever done. I realized I had to start this blog because engaging with queer theory fulfills an intellectual craving in me, and offers a source for answers to the many questions I have about my own gender and sexuality. It is my intention to make queer theory relevant, to me and to my readers, using memoir.

In a nutshell, queer theory is a field of study that challenges normative ideas about gender and sexuality, particularly heteronormative ideas, which pervade all aspects of society and are perpetuated by institutions as forms of control and coercion. It emerged from a variety of cultural movements, including feminism and Black activism. It deconstructs and challenges the gender binary and other ideas of “normal” sexuality and gender expression, and seeks to understand the mechanisms of power that benefit cishet people while isolating and oppressing queer people. 

Despite being an academic field of study, queer theory is not coldly detached from the messy subjectivity of actually living as queer. In creating a system of ideas intended to explain sexuality and gender, it opens up new ways of understanding and exploring selfhood and subjectivity. As LGBTQ Nation writes in the essay, "What is queer theory and why is it important":

“For queer theorists, the word “queer” is not just an identity but rather a critique of the mere concept of creating and maintaining our identities.”

In essence, queer theory doesn't objectively document and describe gender and sexuality. It reflects and shapes queer ways of being in the world.

Similarly, the memoir is a form of writing that blurs the distinction between an autobiography and an essay. One might think that the two forms of writing would be mutually exclusive: the autobiography being, as Julie Avril Minich describes, “mediated, subjective, and inherently unreliable”, and the academic essay prizing objectivity and evidence. But the queer memoir in particular collapses the difference between objective theory and subjective experience, because for queers the theory is deeply personal. Queer theory can, in fact, offer a useful lens for understanding what Jack Halberstam calls the "strange temporalities, imaginative life schedules" and "willfully eccentric modes of being" that characterize queer life.

I first became interested in the potential of queer theory as a lens to explore queer living in the first work of queer theory I ever read, Pat Califia's "Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex." Califia is an American bisexual trans man who identified as a lesbian before his transition, and a prolific author of non-fiction essays about sexuality and feminism and of erotic poetry and fiction that touches heavily on lesbianism and BDSM culture. He is an outspoken gay activist and critic of repressive attitudes toward sexuality and pornography. "Public Sex" includes the bulk of his nonfiction work from 1979 to 1994. I was young when I read it, just figuring out my sexuality, and Califia's accounts of lesbian sexuality, BDSM, gender bending, non-monogamy, and "modern primitive" practices set my imagination on fire. I strove to emulate what he lays out in this passage:

"My insides and outsides match. I do not have to hide my identity or my feelings. The stress that I experience is from other people's prejudices, not from self-hate or self-doubt. Without this consistency, I would never be able to live more freely in the world or have an intimate relationship. You can't love or let yourself be loved if you're busy juggling lies and papering over your libido."

What I loved most about this book was how it seamlessly blends Califia's personal experiences with queer theory. His detailed accounts of life as a queer person, deeply enmeshed in the culture and politics of the people he's writing about, were interspersed with quotations from queer writers and theorists. Chapters ended with pages and pages of references. I loved the feeling that there was a whole community of people out there dedicating years of their life to furthering understanding of people like me. There was a whole world of knowledge available to me to explore. Queer theory is queer people engaged in dialogue with each other across time and space, and I find that endlessly inspiring.

It's this sense of hope and curiosity that I hope to engender with my writing, through using memoir to explore the relevance of queer theory. I think queer theory has enormous potential for storytelling, as a lens through which we can view and understand our own experiences. Too often queer theory is locked up behind paywalls, which is why I challenge myself to draw from articles and books that are available for free online whenever I can so it doesn't cost my readers to explore where their interests take them. I'm sure that there's something written by decades of queer scholars, activists, and community leaders that resonates with you, and I hope my writing can be an entry point.

Happy reading!

"In a Queer Time and Place: Transgender Bodies and Subcultural Lives," by Jack Halberstam

"Writing Queer Lives: 'Autobiography and Memoir,'" by Julie Avril Minich in The Cambridge Companion to American and Gay Literature

"What is queer theory and why is it important?," published in LGBTQ Nation

"Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex," by Pat Califia

And, my article in case you're interested (comment below if you want me to send you the pdf):

"Ace of BDSM Clubs: Building Asexual Relationships Through BDSM Practice," by Lorca Jolene